because of HER. i am me. MOM

Because of HER, I am me. MOM. 

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I am your parent you are my child
I am your quiet place, you are my wild
I am your calm face, you are my giggle
I am your wait, you are my wiggle
I am your audience, you are my clown
I am your London Bridge, you are my falling down
I am your Carrot Sticks, you are my licorice
I am your dandelion, you are my first wish
I am your water wings, you are my deep
I am your open arms, you are my running leap
I am your way home, you are my new path
I am your dry towel, you are my wet bath
I am your dinner you are my chocolate cake
I am your bedtime, you are my wide awake
I am your finish line, you are my race
I am your praying hands, you are my saving grace
I am your favourite book, you are my new lines
I am your nightlight, you are my sunshine
I am your lullaby, you are my peek-a-boo
I am your kiss goodnight, you are my I love you

 Author: Maryann K Cusimano

Last year little one was in my belly and Mothers day wasn't quite real to me. This year I worked with new mommies to welcome their little ones into the world. I didn't quite get to spend my mothers day with my loved ones but they did come visit me at work at it made my heart happy. The poem above so clearly describes the role of being a MOM. She is my wild,  my sunshine, my I LOVE YOU, and so much more. She is my life.

Lately, she has developed quite the personality, little miss independent, little miss i know what i want... she is on the go 24/7. she fights sleep and doesn't care to cuddle. yes, at times it breaks my heart but even more it brings joy to my life knowing this little girl has charisma and spunk and the drive that are going to get her places in life. I know there will be times when she is going to need cuddles from her mom and I'll always be there and yes it would totally be nice to snuggle sometimes but I'm okay with playing on the floor laughing and chasing each other down the hall. Im okay with the kicks and screams while changing her diaper and putting her to sleep. Because when she wakes up with a huge smile in the morning and those rare moments during the day where I get a ton of slobbery kisses totally make up for it. She is one of a kind. She is mine.

My little Lainey bug will be 11 months in a few weeks and right now she weighs 16 lbs 4 oz. She eats whole milk because I've run out of breast milk. She also eats anything from our plates and baby food pouches. She loves two things : her brothers and to crawl. She is pretty social. We take her with us wherever we go and I think that is one reason why she adjusts just fine when we are on the go.

My lovey and sweets got me a few things on this mothers day: an adult aden and anais blanket (i'm obsessed), cards, a sweet set of foot prints from the little, and chocolate covered strawberries.

I can't wait until next year to see how different life will be. Lainey will be 23 months old and I'm sure my post will be a lot different than this one. We shall see!

hard times

Today I miss my hubs. Life has been tough lately. Not just tough as in "oh man things aren't going our way" but tough as in NOTHING is going our way. such is life.

In college I had a really hard time juggling nursing school and life. I stopped doing everything just to focus on school. I was stressed out mentally and physically because nothing ever seemed easy. After graduation I took a big sigh of relief thinking life was just going to be a walk in the park from here on out. After I graduated my lovely husband still had a year of school to finish so we figured okay one more year of this stress and everything will get easier! Then we realized Jas was not going to just jump right into a job like we had hoped. And then we started to think Okay we can do this, we have made it this far. Then we found out in October of 2011 that I was pregnant and we thought okay. maybe just maybe we will make it. Here we are and we have made it. It wasn't easy and it wasn't fun. We thought for sure things couldn't get any harder and here we are again. Hubs really wanted to join the air force reserves or the national guard to pay for unexpected student loans. After doing a ton of research we settled on one over the other and started pursuing that road. We thought the hard part was over and it would just be preparing for this huge transition. WRONG! Jas had surgery in 2006 from a shoulder injury he got while playing baseball in high school and it seems as though this may now disqualify him from serving. I cannot help but think to myself Why oh why does life have to be SO hard? Why must it be so easy for others and nothing gives for us. Now don't get me wrong I know life isn't easy on everyone. And we are so young and have so much of life ahead of us but life is just plain tough. So here we are trying to figure out where to go from here. We have made some changes and are just taking things one day at a time. Life is hard. Life is tough. But life is good.

We are alive and well. Most days we look at each other and say can we make it? Can we do this one more day? .. And we smile and hug each other and just keep going. We've concluded life might not get easier but that is why we have each other. I would not want to hurdle these obstacles in life with anyone else. Jas is my best friend. my only friend. my outlet. my support. my strength. a smile on a bad day. the glue that keeps us together.

So that's life. It isn't always pretty  but there are some really awesome changes going on and I hope to blog about those with some pictures soon to update everyone  the few people who read our blog journey.

the love of a man

today i was supposed to go to work. instead i got call. my amazing husband told me to go get a manicure and a pedicure..because he loves me that much. he gave up time for us to be together to instead allow me time to myself. the love of my man is out of this world. i feel a little selfish for taking time away from my man and baby but so grateful because lainey has been a handful this week. the month really. she is cranky fussy fighting sleep and just plain unhappy. last night i prayed so hard that she would get sleep. eat. and enjoy life. my prayers were answered praise the lord. she has been a sweetheart today and im so thankful for answered prayers.

Loves of my life...

My greatest joy- seeing my love holding our little girl

The most gorgeous girl in the world! 

Loving mommy before work

She is a daddy's girl!

Every good and perfect gift comes from above.

I cannot even begin to explain how in love with these two I am. I am reminded just how precious life is. My husband is the absolute love of my life and my little girl is the greatest joy and biggest blessing I've ever received. I'm more in love than ever before and my heart is full, filled to the brim. My marriage is better than it has ever been, not because life is easier but actually because life is harder. Having a child has made us work so much harder at communicating and loving each other on the good days and the bad days. Jas understands me and supports me without having to say a word. He is the worlds greatest dad and best friend anyone could ask for. My little love bug reminds me so much of the miracle of life. I've constantly gone through ultrasounds and pictures and marveled at the miracle she is. She went from being a little bitty nugget that flopped and wiggled inside of me to a beautiful girl with a large personality. She has only been with us a few months and she has already made life so much better. Life is totally worth living these days. Parenting is seriously so very hard. There are days,like today, that she screams all day and nothing I can do will make her happy but then there are 5 minutes during that day that she snuggles and smiles and coo's and it brings tears to my eyes and butterflies in my heart. She has such a huge personality. She knows what she wants and often get's just that. There is no denying where she gets that from. She is so full of life from the minute she wakes to the second she falls asleep. She knows her mommy and daddy and loves to see us come home. It's crazy how much she changes when our little family is together. It's like she feels peace and comfort when we are all together. She is one smart girl. She gives the biggest and best slobbery kisses. For the last few years I've always had a list of things I wanted to accomplish before I died, I guess you could say a bucket list, though it's not very long. I wanted to do only a few things.. get married and have a baby. My life is complete and now everything else is just icing and sprinkles on top of the cupcake! 

Life is all too short to forget what is important. Love. Family. Memories. and the one who gives all.. God. 

how do i feel

Today I am a little sad. My baby is getting so big, so fast. I have days that I've already forgotten about the newborn phase and I look back at her pictures and just think about how much time has passed. This month it will have been a year since we found out we were pregnant and to me it is sad. My pregnancy flew by and, as many first time parents, we did not capture enough. I don't remember the sick days, the small days, the fat days, the adventures.. anything! So so sad. Now, Lainey is almost 3.5 months old and we do not have enough memories captured. I wish we had taken more time to capture the moments so that we can have them to look back on. So I'm sad.

Life has been great, changing daily, but great. We have a lot of changes about to take place and if you know me you probably know that I do not do change well. Jas is about to jump into the next "chapter" of his life career wise and I am about to make a minor career change that hopefully will mean more family time and a better schedule for us all.

Work has taken so much time away from our family life and I just miss my hubs and baby.

Beware baby update/randomness ahead--

Lainey girl is between 11 and 12 pounds which is just crazy to me since she was only 5 lbs 14 oz when she was born. She has the cutest double chin/chubs and her constant drooling causes a funky odor in those little rolls. She eats strictly breast milk and I just cannot believe she is almost old enough for rice cereal. someone freeze time. please. please. please. She has blue eyes and blonde/brown hair. She wears size 3 to 6 month clothes and size 2 diapers. she hates wearing headbands but she will learn to love them. she loves her paci and swing. she has learned to sit up and stand on her legs.. she is so close to sitting by herself. big girl. she loves to coo and giggle when we make faces at her. she is so good on car rides and in public but acts crazy at home. she must be telling us it's time to get out more! I am head over heels in love with this girl and she is such a blessing in my life. To say I feel like I've found my purpose in life is an understatement. I cannot wait to show her what true unconditional love it. I think I need to go smooch her chubby cheeks right this second.

My goals for this fall include:
-getting outside in the nice weather..whenever it arrives.
-a few diy projects including a magnetic makeup board because frankly im tired of dropping my mac makeup on the floor.
-lose a little extra weight
-spend WAY more time making/capturing memories with my love and my little love
-spend more time with the boys..aka the dogs
-start shopping for christmas because after all a baby surely changes my last minute christmas shopping
-decorate my house for fall because a little pumpkin scent does the heart good

enjoy!

Updates

Welp, here we go again! My lack of blogging skills totally and completely sucks. I love reading others blogs but mine lacks substance and importance. Tonight I think I'm going to just give some updates.. so enjoy my life in bullets (aka updates/thoughts)

- Lainey is a little over three, i repeat, THREE months old. Crazy how fast time has gone. She is probably about 11-12 lbs. She was 10 pounds a few weeks ago. She has brown hair with blond roots and blue eyes! She is almost out of size 1 diapers..makes my heart a little sad! She has such a big personality and coo's and smiles all the time. She also screams at the top of her lungs and pokes out her pouty lip quite often too.. Let me just tell you that pouty lip already works like a charm!
-The boys, aka the dogs, have gotten so BIG! They play all the time and love to lick lainey's feet. (No worries she kicks them away). They are getting dog training at home again and it went really well. We are trying to work on their jumping and obedience so that people can come over and not have to worry about their behavior.
-My husband is a rock star! He is the worlds BEST dad and he is such an awesome husband. I really thought this whole parenthood journey would mean little sleep and more fighting but we have really grown more in love and this has been such a blessing in our lives. He keeps us going and works so hard to have a great attitude despite how life's hard times treat him.
-The hubs is planning on joining the national guard or the air force reserves.. hoping to get all of the details in line and start paperwork soon. He is working so hard to make the best for our family.. love him!
- Our immediate family has been quite a hand full lately. We've really tried to pull away from all the drama and it has positively impacted our marriage and family life for the better. I just wish there could be a happy medium and that things didn't have to go this way.
- Seeing Jas as such a sweet, tender, rocking, awesome dad to my little girl makes me question what my life would have been like had my dad been alive a lot longer. Some days I get sad and others I remember that all things in life happen for a reason and this too shall pass.
-Our 7 year anniversary (dating) is coming up next month and I'm trying to think of some awesome gifts to give the hubs.. I often wonder if people celebrate their "dating" anniversary after they get married. For me every anniversary is a time to celebrate. Life is short and hard and there are many people that don't make it to their next anniversary and that makes me want to celebrate even more!
-Baby girl has been sleeping through the night! score!!!!
-I've been in the crafting mood lately. I made a fall wreath out of things I had around the house. Unfortunately, I left it out and my dog started eating twigs off of it and it no longer looks like a fall wreath.  sad day! I desperately want to make a chalkboard out of an old goodwill frame and also a monogrammed frame for lainey's room... we shall see!
- I'm hoping that I can drop about 15 more pounds and revamp my wardrobe. I've lost quite a bit of weight since getting pregnant and I just want to lose a little bit more and tone up so I can be happy with myself.
- I'd love to get a pedicure.. my feet desperately need some love.
- I'd also like to get a new SUV since my xterra is acting up lately.

Anywho- Hubs just got home and I'd love to spend some time catching up.

Enjoy!

Baby Girl on the Brain

I cannot believe how long it's been since I've blogged. I guess you could say I've got a good excuse... taking care of a newborn is HARD work!
Lainey was born on June 25th at 9:13pm weighing 5 lbs 14 oz and 19 ins long. It was a LONG painful labor and the birth was amazing!

The BIG belly just before going to the hospital!

Hello World! 

Checking things out...Not so sure about this place!

Being a fussy girl!

Ready. Set. Go... I'm on the way home!

Testing out the Nap Nanny

Snuggles with Daddy

I'm WAY too small for this 4th of July outfit!

Check out all that hair!

2nd bath at home.. I'm too small for my bath tub so we have to use the sink.

 Buddha Belly.. I'm getting so big! 

Trying on my 2 piece. 

A few shots at 5 days old!

Lainey is a month old today! We cannot believe time has flown by so fast. I go back to work soon and I'm so going to miss this cutie.

Lainey stats: At 2 weeks you gained 9 ozs and weighed 6lbs 7oz and 19 1/4 ins long. You are in the 3rd percentile for weight and 7th for height. You are a tiny little peanut thought you seem so big to me. You eat 3 oz of breast milk every 2-3 hours. You are like clock work and poop right after every feeding... we have flown through an enormous amount of diapers! You slept in your nap nanny in our bed for 3 weeks and we are trying to transition you to your pack-n-play since you can now be swaddled in a sleep sack. You DO NOT like the pack-n-play and would rather not be swaddled... but we will continue to work on that. You've set yourself on quite the schedule. You feed at 11pm, 3am, and 6am so we get a few stretches of sleep. I secretly cannot wait for you to sleep through the night. You are a pretty content baby and love to the held or in your swing. We love you to pieces and cannot wait to see how you grow and the little lady you'll be!